T.C. Sen10rs <3

I will truly miss you all. Each and everyone of you mean the world to me and I have been so blessed to have you in my life.
   When I first met all of you I didn't think I would become such great friends with you as I am today.  I have been able to have speical memories with each and every one of you. You 3 are the ones I will miss the most because you have been so involved with my life.
      PAULA! I love love love you! i really don't know how I am going to be able to go to Onelife and not see your smiling face. Thank You. Thank You for being my big sister. Thank You for treating me like your equal and not some little underclassman. You have no clue how much you mean to me and how much i am going to miss you. You have been sich a great role model for me and even though you came to me with boy problems I still was able to learn from you and took everything you said to me to heart. Love you Paula-la-la-la-la!
     Lauren ;) You were the weird one. I serously thought that when I first saw you. Since then though I've gotten to know you and you have become my "dad" haha You were there for me when I couldn't stand being around girls because I was hurt. You helped me get my strength back on multiple occasions. Even when i was being overly dramatic you just stood there and listened and told me it would be ok. Thank You :)
    Kendra! Your smile has always brightened up my day. I could never be mad at you because you are such a great guy. You have a speical place in my heart because you are my protector. I don't even know if you remember but one nights when we were at the movies you saw some of your T.C. friends. You kinda closed the group off from me and you later told me that you didn't want me around those guys because you knew what kind of guys they were. That meant the world to me. The way you think of others without having to be told is a rare quality. Love You Keno :)


I've said this like 87345934685 times but I love you guys....even though you all have girls names ;) You better come visit too!!!!!

You won't even look at me. You can't look at me without showing the disgust on your face and it kills me. I didn't want this for us. I didn't want this period. I had this dream. You'd call it a silly dream but it what my heart was wanting to scream out at you these last couple years. What happened? Why do you hurt me like you do? The better question may be why I let you have this much control over me. I've been crying over you for days. This hurt me deeply. You have no clue that I heard what you said. But I did. I wish I hadn't but I did. I'm sorry that I ever even tried to make you like me. I've given up on believing other people when they say you "like" me. If you liked me you wouldn't do jerk things like this. I won't forget this. These tears  are the last ones I will cry over you. I'm sorry but I don't want a boy. I want a man. I man wouldn't play these games. So grow-up and get over yourself and then call me if you aren't too afraid....I still think you may be though.

So, I started a new "public" blog on tumblr just so I've been kinda ignoring you. Sorry :( I just needed a distraction for people. This blog has gotten me in enough trouble but anyway. Life isn't giving me a break (as normal.) I'm still having to fight to get through the day but its getting a bit better. Still feeling like an adult stuck in a 15 year old's body. Theres not a 'but' for that. Thats just how my life has been. I was turned into a mini-adult at the age of 12. Oh well, I'm not going to wallow in my past because guess what?!?!? ITS OVER! You can't dwell in the past, even if it seemed like it ruined your whole life you can't. If you live based on your past, your past will control your destiny. You already think it ruined your life but why should you actually let it?


In Government today we had a very random debate about Gay Marriage. Of course, people raised their hands immediately saying that they support it as if it made them look like a better person? People just kept agreeing with each other, saying "they agreed" but you could tell half of them just wanted to say something and didn't really care. One guy said he disagreed because he was homophobic. I respected him for saying that in front of a class who pretty much all agreed with it. I didn't even have the chance to raise my hand and help him out by saying I disagreed also before the class started attacking him with questions. 
Dear Class, there are ways to get your point across without sounding rude & aggressive. If you have a point you want to prove, go for it but please don't try not to attack the poor guy. Also, my teacher said that she supported Gay marriage. <--that made me feel really uncomfortable. I wanted to raise my hand and say that I didn't support it but having the person that was leading my class up against me worried me. I knew I could hold my own in an argument but with being emotionally unstable in that environment and her being my teacher there was a large risk I would do something and get myself in trouble. She made the the who admitted to being homophobic stay after class to talk to him. I'm pretty sure she was talking to him about this topic but she isn't allowed to do that. She isn't allowed to try and per-sway to share her beliefs. To sum it all up-government was interesting today.


Life is never done surprising you or throwing a curve ball at ya so all you can do it practice your batting and get ready to run.

"Being fearless isn’t being 100% unafraid, its being terrified but you jump anyway"

I want to be "fearless" sometimes but I'm always scared that I can't live up to the name of being "fearless."  Fearless to me meant not being afraid, being 100% sure that you wouldn't fail. This quote screwed my mind up. I now see that I don't have to be 100% sure of anything to take a chance. Actually, I have never been 100% sure of anything except that my name is Brooke Avery Elizabeth Johnson and that I was born on October 2nd, 1994 at 6:29pm. Today, February 12, 2010 at 4:30pm I will declare myself fearless. I won't hold back. This is my motto and the way I will live me life :)

This blog, once again, got me in trouble. Great. I don't understand how writing out my feeling could be such a bad thing. I was harsh-I'll admit that. The world is a harsh place to live though. Not everyone is going to give you milk and cookies because they love you. Trust me. It will never be like that. 


I AM very sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings with my last post. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. I didn't think anyone actually read this. Apparently, I was wrong. Those feelings were written in the moment when I wasn't thinking about anyone other than myself.  


I hope you two are very happy together and that this relationship is a healthy, prosperous relationship. I won't interfere or interject my opinion any longer. I have to be honest and admit you compliment each other very well. I see stuff on my new feed pop up and its makes me want to throw up; you're too cute. :)


I want to put this all behind us and move on. I will still see both of you in school and at sports and I don't want it to be awkward or for you to think I hate you because I don't. 


Please don't hate me,
Brooke Johnson

Hero,
I don't know what to do. This changes everything between me and you. A heads up would have been nice. I mean sure, I should have seen it coming. All the wall posts and how you were flirting back and forth but that doesn't mean I wanted to see that. To be honest, I didn't. I don't even want to see it now. This hurts me. I feel like an idiot and I'm sure I'll like an even bigger one when my mother brings this up. I feel like bursting into tears. I know I shouldn't feel this way because I had no reason to but I think I just don't want to lose you. I know what happens in this situation. We are great friends, you get a girlfriend, end of friendship. This has happened before and I don't want to have to go through those feelings again. I ended hurt, lost and confused. I didn't want this to happen. I liked how we could be open with each other. No strings attached just conversation. I saw the look in your eye. She made the game harder to play. I made it too easy. I lost.
You lost too. She has backstabbed and cheated like no other. I was really hoping you would have seen that but I guess you didn't. She takes nice boys and screws with their heads. I don't want that happening to you. I care about you too much to watch that happen. You are an intelligent, charismatic young man...what are you doing? You have made some stupid choices but this is by far the stupidest. I hope you enjoy this while it lasts because I doubt it will last for long.
When you get over this phase come and talk to me but I don't want her in my life. I hope we can still be friends but just know I won't take any bull from her.

Love,
Damsel

I love Snow. I hate the cold and the wetness of it but I am in love with how it looks. As I was in the car today, going to IHOP, I looked out of window and saw the vast blanket of white snow. I had never really looked at snow before. Yes, its white and pretty and when we get a lot of it school gets cancelled but I had never actually looked at the snow. It is such a delicate thing. When surrounded by other snowflakes it keeps it's form, if it is alone or hits a surface hotter than it's own temperature it melts and just becomes a puddle of water. 

Why am I writing about the snow? I think that so many people in the world, including myself, are like the snowflakes-we are fine when surrounded by our family, friends, coworkers, strangers but when forced to be alone we collapse into a man-made nothingness; that is our routine in life. We go to work/school, run errands, come home and melt into our sorrows never letting anyone know something is going on. God never intended us to be live like that (Thanks Adam & Eve). He wanted to live together with him but even after Adam & Eve were kicked out of the garden they had each other. God didn't want them to live alone. We aren't meant to be alone. We are meant to find people around us to hold on to in the rough times and celebrate with in the good times. We are meant to have strong relationships which make us strong. We are meant to have broken relationships that make our other relationships stronger and let us value those relationships.

What if all you have are broken relationships? All strong relationships have become broken because of words spoken or actions taken, burning down bridges of communication. Where to now? If you want me to answer honestly? I have no idea. I myself am at that crosspoint-where hurt and venerability collide with having to start over and learning to trust yourself again. I find sometimes the hardest battle to fight is when you have to fight yourself. Coming out of a normal battle you'll have battles scars if you lose. When your having to fight yourself, scars are going to appear. Winning or Losing does not matter. 

I think broken times come to test our strength. I think they continue to test our endurance. If we can't continue to battle out for our own life why would anyone believe we would support them?

     I was on Facebook just like any other day. It was late at night and I had school then next day so my parents were pressuring me to get to bed. I got a text from Dorky Nerd-that was Cortney's nickname. I opened the text and started to read it. Within the first line I knew something was wrong & this wasn't going to be a regular text from her. It said that she has been trying to avoid telling me something all summer but she couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want to read this in front of my parents because they can tell when something is really wrong and I wanted to deal with this by myself.
     As I walked down the stairs to my room my headed started overflowing with questions. What does she need to say? Why did she wait till August to say it? Sitting down in my bed I am finally ready to read her text. In it she talks about how she loves me but that the distance between us was really hard. She said it wasn't fair to her because she needed someone who could be there for her and I couldn't because I was here in Virginia. It continued to say that we have had some great memories over these almost 15 years but that is what our friendship could only be now. She couldn't take the distance and she deserved something better. She had found a new friend, Katie, who was everything I was for her and more because she was there in Maryland.
      I was sitting on my bed, tears rolling my cheeks. I felt like she had come and ripped my heart out of my chest, took back every memory, then tried to piece it back together. I rolled up into a ball and cried and cried for hours. To this very day I still cry about it.
      This isn't a fight, its really over. I really did just lose my best friend, my sister and the only person I was ever able to trust 100%. Pain is still here and it will be here for awhile. Do I ever go through a day where I wish I could text her and act like nothing happened? Everyday. Everyday its gets a little easier but everyday I am haunted my the memories. Life will go on and I will learn to live with this. My heart will heal. 


I kinda went off on a random rant about my life and stuff, sorry :)

"We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change"

Somewhere, Someday. I keep saying that to myself but it doesn't seem to help anymore. There is only so long a person can live like that. I've hoped for a better tomorrow everyday of my life. It got me through the toughest times but isn't it supposed to actually come true at point? I can't, I won't live a life of waiting. I've waited enough to fill a lifetime. I've waited on boys to come around that never did. I've waited for pain to disappear that seemed to only grow stronger. I've waited on God to speak to me when he was silent. Waiting is an unless thing to me. I'm ready to be done waiting. I need good things to start happening now, not tomorrow or next week. I'm ready for the boy to come around and actually take action instead of leaving me out in the cold. I'm ready for pain to go away and for joy to be restored in my life. I'm ready for God to give me direction. I understand that life will always require a little bit of waiting. If I expected every single thing to happen at the moment I want it to then I should be in a padded room and put into a straight jacket because that will never happen. For once though, just once it would be nice to have something go the right way.

"I did all I could. I gave everything but you had to go your way and that road was not for me"

Cortney Alexandra Repp. My sister, best friend, bubble of joy, shoulder to cry on, my rock, she was the one person I could ever really trust. I would have trusted her with my life. I would have given my life for her in a second but in a second I felt like she had taken mine. Words had never been so hurtful. I had never felt so useless in my life. Here is one person that once loved me unconditionally and even she doesn't want me in her life anymore? What else could go wrong. Oh wait! She replaced me too. 15 years gone, buried under the memories and sorrows we endured. I will never be the same, never. I've needed someone like her in my life but no has been able to break down the wall of protection I've built. They have knocked and I've tried to let them in slowly but they would walk away the moment I started to trust them, leaving me hurt again. I need someone. I've prayed for someone. Where is this someone?

"That when you feel the world is crashing all around your feet. Come running headlong into my arms, breathless. I'll never judge you. I can only love you"

^^I need to have a person to say that. I thought I found someone who had the potential to be something, someone to me but maybe not. Its too early to tell but I warned them about my wall. I explained how it is good for me to have it up right now because I still am recovering from a lot. They understood amazingly. Bummed but understanding. No one had made me feel understood like this since Cortney. They make me laugh. When I'm talking to them its about the only time you'll see my dimple come out. I want to talk to this person all the time because that is the only time I am actually happy. If you are reading this then I hope you know you are if not then I'll tell you. You are the thing makes my day better, you bring a smile to my face, you are my hero, you also may not be too bad at hurdles if you try it just this once. I'm ready to lower my wall. I'm ready to help you as much as I can. Just give me the word and I'm yours.

"Used and Abused-thats my line. Its the only way I get through these trying times"

"Half of my heart has a grip of the situation..."

I'm kinda stuck. I can't live with half of my heart. Alexandria kind sucks and i want to move, I not allowed to but I REALLY want too. People around here have treated me like crap and I don't know whats true and whats not anymore. I know life happens and that this is apart of life but shouldn't I be able to change my life and not let this happen to me. I want to go so that they can't do aynthing anymore. If I leave and shut them then they lose the power they THINK they have over me. They are no more powerful than I am. I think I have actually have more power than them even if I am athe one being attacked. I know who I am. I know how I want people to treat me. I know what I want to do in my life. I'm not going to sit back and let this all happen. I will stop it. Other than my family and a few good friends then nothing is here for me. People here are so fake and have one face with you and another with someone else. They can seem like great, amazing people then be more screwed up than you could ever imagine. I may be decriving everyone else's life while I'm writing this but its not fair that we have to actually let people do this. Jack Black had it right when he said stick it to the man.
I think what what set this off is that I finally have hada chance to look back at 2009. To cut it short, 2009 sucked some major butt and I am ready for it to be over. I have lost so much and be knocked down so many times I'm surprised that I hav made it out as good as I have. I got some battle scars that are going to stay around to remind me of what I went through but hey. I'm still kinda alive.

"If you asked me if I loved him...I'd lie"

No one knows how much I wish this hadn't fallen apart. You aren't who I thought you were. My heart hates you but loves you at the same time. I love what you stand for. I love your smile. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you make me laugh. I love al of this but I don't know why you would do something this stupid. Its kinda sad when I can trust your friends that i hardly know better than you. Its not that I won't forgive you because I already have but I want to understand why you would make such idiotic choices. I don't see any reason we can't work this out but I need you to tell that this is in your past. If this is who YOU want to be then I can't hold you back but I won't watch you fall to pieces. You mean too much to be able to watch that.

"The more you dream the more I believe that nothing is ever out of reach"

I will make my dream true . End of story. I will be up on the stage, spotlight on me, singing out my little heart with guitar in hand, singing a song about you. I am pushing for this. If Alexandria has nothing for me than there must be something else out there for me to be working towards. Music makes me strong. I want to bring strength to others.

I am a Lion Chaser.

I will not be afraid.

I will not fight unnecessary battles.

I will pursue my lion no matter what.

I will not give up.

I will face my deepest fears.

I will trust you with my life.

I will not worry about the attack but the preparation.

I am a Lion Chaser.

I am yours.

I will sound like such a women right now but I've changed my mind. I'm not going to save my first kiss for my wedding day. I want to have that awkward 1st kiss when he walks me to the door. I want to go through the same high and low points everyone else does. I've spent my life trying to be different because if I was then I would be defined by that instead of who my family was.

I've reread my posts and I write a lot of those are written in the motion of my feelings. I write what I feel and thats good at times and not so good at others. I just don't want to say or write something in the motion and then regret it. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I respect people who can do that but I can't. I am a very touchy, feely person so not having a connection like that will make me having a relationship hard.

I'm still going to save myself for marriage because that is what God wants me to do but also because I don't want to become another statistic but I need some physical connection. I want to hold hands and be able to kiss my boyfriend (whenever this mystery man shows up) and show that I truly have feelings for him. You can hold hands with anyone but a kiss means so much more. I want to be able to show that I'm not just messing around. I'm not going to kiss every guy I go out with or be a slut but for a special guy I would share something special.

I feel at peace now because I'm not having this internal conflict in wither or not to change my mind. I had felt like I had made a commitment but my heart wasn't in it. It was just words that should have been coming from someone else's mouth; someone who actually meant it. I meant that I wanted to stay pure and live a life that God would be proud of but I don't think that he would want me to feel trapped in my own choice.

God gave us free will and I'm very thankful for that. I had the freedom to say one thing but then change my mind after I thought about it. Only a few people knew and they are all very close friends to me and supported me. I will have to explain to them and try to be an example because you can say one thing and do another but if you don't owe up to it then your a hypocrite. I don't want to be a hypocrite because too many Christians are like that.

So, thats that and I'm sure I'll be posting again. :)

Today I finished the series I have been re-reading; it was bittersweet. Even though I knew how their story was going to it was a joy and a new breath of life every time I turned the page to read more of their journey. The purity of the relationship and the patience that they had with each other amazes me still. I've wrote this before in an earlier blog but re-reading this at 14 years old has let me see the story and how God guided them through everything in a whole new way. I truly believe that God planted a seed the 1st time I read this series and now as I was going through it again he has watered it a little bit at every page turn. Now that I've finished the last book I didn't know what do to, I wanted to go get the next book and continue reading but there isn't another book. I feel like God walked me through this so that I could grow and learn more about myself and more about trusting in him, living for him, not being afraid to be a light. Now that Todd & Christy's story is over its time I write my own. I know that God was with them through their up & downs; he'll be right along my side too. I love God and will let him write my story till the very last is filled up with his plans for me, then its a totally different story that will have happy ending as long as I stay obedient. 

     I love you God & Promise all of me.

             Forever & Always,

                 Brooke Johnson

As school whines to an end there is a seed of summer that starts to bloom in every mind. Summer can mean lots of different things to you. More of free time, sleeping in, finding that summer fling, hanging with friends or like most students...no school. For me, its all of those, not really the fling but if it happened then I would be cool with it but I love summer because its the time God takes me, strips me down to my core, challenges me in my relationship with him and builds me up for the next year. I grow-up spiritually during summer. Summer is kinda like my spiritual birthday; no big parties just lots of small, intimate meetings. I have nothing to worry about but Him & I.
Lately, Life has been really easy going. I love it! Having new faith in God every time I wake-up to a new day is so refreshing. Everything is falling into place, I'm not doing anything! Every time I pray at night before I drift away into my dreams I try to express how I feel to God but I can't. That feeling reminded me of that song..oh what is it! Indescribable! It is truly an indrescribable feeling. So secure, so loving, so kind, so heavenly. I never want to lose anything that God has planned now or ever for me. If life is this good I can't wait for the rest of my life!
I know lots of people will come in and out of my life but I have to except that that's life. Yea, sure I'll be hurt, sure I'll cry but every time someone walks out someone else God has for me will walk in. I have a metaphor I like to use, My heart is a garden; it can grow sweet smelling roses and fruit or it can be died and a scary place. If I'm in control of the gate to my heart then I'll start letting the wrong people in and my garden will start to die. If I give the key to God though, he knows his plans for me, he knows what is best so my garden will be overflowing with sweet smelling roses and fruit that I can give away to my guests in my heart. I don't want to be a sour-puss so I've given that key to God. People have walked into my life already that I can see will be good for me. Wither its to teach me how to love or to teach me how to be humble they are there for a reason.
Everything has a season, just like it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1 "To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven." Summer is my season of growing; What is summer your season of?

"Your mask is purity. You are always trying to be true to yourself. You don't care what others think is right or wrong, you always use your own judgment to decide. You often ignore the millions of rules people are trying to place on the way you should live your life, because you know they are meaningless and that you are a good person. Your intentions are usually pure, whether it's wanting to do something nice for someone, or just take some time for yourself. You understand that pure isn't perfect. You get angry, jealous, mean, sometimes stubborn, but you are who you are, and your mask isn't trying to hide it; it's just helping you get by the life you love and enjoy."

This is the response I got from a quiz I took on Facebook. I know those things are crazy and that every time you take 'em they use your info to send crazy spam out but this amazed me. I've been praying for God to keep me pure. To search my heart and make it into what he wants it to be, like clay. This gave me so much confidence that prayer works! :) YAY JESUS!! He even uses Facebook! :)

"Brooke is not who she was but isn't who she is going to be...I still got a lot of hard lessons to learn, a lot of spills I'm gonna have to take & a broken heart or two along the journey"

That was my status tonight. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried my eyes out before God. It wasn't that I had held back from him, it was just that there really wasn't anything that had been stirred up yet. I was thinking about my childhood and all of my amazing memories. I had some great friends back then! I know that I not done growing but I know that I felt like I have grown up so much in the 14 years that I've been on earth. Yes, there are somethings I wish that I could take back but any one thing that didn't happen would have changed where I'm at today. I'm really happy about where I am! I feel like I finally caught up with God and am where he wants me to be. I was tired of walking in the shadows so I'm finally walking straight into the light.

I think its funny how people are like, "Stay away from the Light!" even though in most cases "light" is a good thing. God is a light that guides us. The sun shines light to heat the earth and let us see. Light is a good thing!! I personally love light even though I'm kinda a night owl...I guess thats why I always say, "Whoot Whoot!" haha

I've been re-reading the series that I got when I was around 11. When I read it back then I got that it was a series about this girl growing up and learning about life. Now that I'm reading it and I'm around the same age as the character I think its amazing how different I analyze the book. I understand all the confusion she is going through! I used to think that everything was clean-cut, she belonged with him so they should have just been together. Now, I see that all the struggles along the way have made the relationship what is it. God was in the middle of it the whole time which is why it worked so well! I think thats why so many people today, in my generation, have failing relationships, they don't have God in it. Once the original fun is over nothing is left.

In the book Christy & Todd are the couple that belong together but have to face everything before they will actually admit they are in love. Their relationship is so pure that its almost weird but yet you learn to admire them so much. They show their affection but it isn't by kissing a lot or showing PDA like most couples. They hold hands, walk in silence, yet, they both know what the other is feeling & thinking. They truly got to know each other, they didn't let the physical aspect didn't get in the way. They knew where they drew the line. Re-reading these books have really made me feel more comfortable in what I'm about to pursue because I know its not totally crazy. It may seem like extreme purity to some people but other will see the way I do.

I want to wait to not only not have sex till marriage but refrain from having my 1st kiss until my wedding day. I know its crazy but when I think about how special of a gift that would be to my future husband it gives me all the motivation I need. I would be able to share our special moment with everyone that is closest to us. Another way of seeing it, if a guy isn't willing to respect my standards then he is not worth it. I want the purist relationship possible, I want it to honor God in all ways so if he won't listen to just a few of my boundaries then he might as well save his breath and walk right back out the door he came in.

I went from childhood memories to what I want in my relationships but I don't care. I'm random and thats me! If you got a problem with than take it up with God. He made me in all that stuff. Thank You for whoever is reading this and listens to all of my random thoughts. My blog is kinda like my online diary (I almost wrote dairy!) but again Thank You :)

Again?

5/14/09

I love life. I have great people surrounding me and I love most of them. I've grown-up in the ministry though and so I've had to get used to those people going in and out of my life. Along with this it has brought trust issues. I want to trust people but its harder for me to trust and build relationships than for others. I've gotten close with people and finally built a really strong relationship with them just to be able to watch them walk right out of my life. Also, I've had people that I love hurt me the most. I wear my heart on my sleeve but too many people have taken advantage of that, saw it as my weakness and torn me down. I've grown to become a stronger person but I've also grown to guard myself and put up a clear wall so that I can see what is happening but be safe. the one thing that has gotten me through this other than God is music. It has the power to change a mood, make a rainy day sunny again. Music is one of the most powerful influences of today. Without having music play a HUGE I don't know where I would be today but I do know that I would not be the same girl I am today. 

I've only told 3 people but I want to record a demo and try to make it in the music business. YES! MOM & DAD! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED AT CONVENTION! I have wanted to tell you but I couldn't ever get you two in the same room at a good time when you were both in a good mood.  I've had a feeling for about a year and a half to just try and let God have control over what happens. I didn't want to go after this if it was just Brooke talking but after prayer and fasting I really feel like God is in on this with me! I feel really comfortable in this and I know that I have people that will support me in whatever I choose to do. I've been working really hard with strengthening my voice and writing a lot lately. My heart is SO ready to commit to this. I know that this is my passion because I have this feeling of excitement, that everyday when I wake-up is another day I get to work towards this goal that won't shake, that hasn't ever gone away. I've really begin to know myself better than I ever have before. If I'm having a crappy day I write a song, if I'm having an awesome day then I write a song. I'm writing like crazy. I should probably stop but I just can't stop talking about it when I start haha

Urrggg!

I have been having a pretty good couple weeks, until the last couple days. I've been feeling so alone even when I'm with a crowd of people. Its like no one wants anything to do with me or something. It totally sucks and though I know I have a great future in front of me but I want to enjoy my life now and not worry about the future! I want to be worried about boys & what clothes I'm gonna wear not what I want to do in life....I'm 14! I mean, there is no problem with thinking ahead but I should have other things to do than that. I don't to say that I'm "depressed" but I'm sure not too happy at the moment.I feel like when I go to write out my feelings they aren't conveyed as I would want them to be.

I'm just tired of all the drama & I just want to work on my career in Music. Its been a dream for awhile to get my music out there & I know that 1% of people who say that actually get to live their dream but I rather try & fail-which would be hard-rather than never trying and wondering what wold have happened. I love singing & writing so being able to do both would be a blessing that I could never ask for! I still haven't told my parents about my dream. They know that music is a HUGE part of my life but they don't know that I want to pursue a career.

I think I may know the problem. I've always felt like I'm older mentally then I am physically. I'm 14 years old but I feel like I'm 19 or 20 perhaps older. I don't want to deal with the normal teenage drama, if I'm gonna have to deal with drama I want REAL drama where I really have to think about what to do. I want a real life where I can enjoy people who challenge my way of life and thinking.

I hate, if thats the right word, the way that some friends act. It is dumb and foolish, I hate to watch them do that because I love them so much but how must I take a care of them & I at the same time. I love my friends & I would do it no matter what, if they needed me I would be there in a jiffy! They are what I focus on for now to keep myself from going crazy even though that is what is making me go crazy!

Anyway, I must bid farewell for now before I drift to sleep. Good Night :)

:P

:( Today is sadly the last day that PRob and Ileana will spend in VA. I've said this before but I'm going to miss them so much!

I went to a dinner for Ileana last night & I thought I was doing pretty good! I hadn't started to cry or anything then my brillant mother decided to have everyone go around the table and talk about their favorite memoreis with Ileana and say whatever they wanted to say to her. Courtney was the first one to cry then everyone pretty much broke-out! Siera went and she said one sentence that sent my mom over the edge so she started to cry. I couldn't even talk the first time they came around to me so I waited till everyone else had gone before I said anything. I finally could speak, I said what I wanted to say and then I started to shake and Ileana was crying so it was an sad yet interesting night....I told her that I had put stuff in PRob's shoes & that he hadn't said anything yet so I'm glad I got that off my chest :D

I let them both know that I was going to text them everymorning saying I loved them & good morning :) I'm also wanting to visit them on Spring Break! New York here I come! hehe

I wish I had more time but I know that I have to let them go. Next wed will probably be the hardest night for me personally. I should make it though because God-willing Cort will be here to help me through it. Plus, all the masters that are coming or at least the ones that I've heard of seem really fun. I'm going to be ok but I know this hurt will be there for awhile.

I've got to go! Peace & <3

Bittersweet

AHH! Finally my parents are coming home! I have missed them so much!! I'm excited for them to come home & I might be even more excited to see my Baby!! I know he's not really MY baby but I feel like he is sometimes...anyway! haha On a sad note I'm really sad that PRob, Ileana, Braden & Casey Casey (new baby's nickname) are leaving on Saturday. :( Its going to be hard not to see them when I walk into church. They have been such a big part of me growing up and becoming who I am today. They have taken a special place in my heart, I will miss them dearly but I know that no matter what I will always have them & they will be there for me. Its Tuesday, tomorrow night we are having a going away party if you can call it a party for them. I'm really not looking to it because I'm going to crying the WHOLE TIME! I really want to stay home too because knowing that its going to happen is going ot make me distracted and I'm going to be all weird at school...I don't know how I really feel about it. I'm kinda scared to whats going to happen to my youth group and how this is goingto effect it but then I know we have awesome leaders in our church to help it keep going. Then, I'm scared about how this is going to affect me. Am I going to like the new Youth Pastor? Am I going to have the same relationship with him/her? Its crazy right now, IU have to do a project but I will write again. I have sooo much more to say about this!