"We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change"

Somewhere, Someday. I keep saying that to myself but it doesn't seem to help anymore. There is only so long a person can live like that. I've hoped for a better tomorrow everyday of my life. It got me through the toughest times but isn't it supposed to actually come true at point? I can't, I won't live a life of waiting. I've waited enough to fill a lifetime. I've waited on boys to come around that never did. I've waited for pain to disappear that seemed to only grow stronger. I've waited on God to speak to me when he was silent. Waiting is an unless thing to me. I'm ready to be done waiting. I need good things to start happening now, not tomorrow or next week. I'm ready for the boy to come around and actually take action instead of leaving me out in the cold. I'm ready for pain to go away and for joy to be restored in my life. I'm ready for God to give me direction. I understand that life will always require a little bit of waiting. If I expected every single thing to happen at the moment I want it to then I should be in a padded room and put into a straight jacket because that will never happen. For once though, just once it would be nice to have something go the right way.

"I did all I could. I gave everything but you had to go your way and that road was not for me"

Cortney Alexandra Repp. My sister, best friend, bubble of joy, shoulder to cry on, my rock, she was the one person I could ever really trust. I would have trusted her with my life. I would have given my life for her in a second but in a second I felt like she had taken mine. Words had never been so hurtful. I had never felt so useless in my life. Here is one person that once loved me unconditionally and even she doesn't want me in her life anymore? What else could go wrong. Oh wait! She replaced me too. 15 years gone, buried under the memories and sorrows we endured. I will never be the same, never. I've needed someone like her in my life but no has been able to break down the wall of protection I've built. They have knocked and I've tried to let them in slowly but they would walk away the moment I started to trust them, leaving me hurt again. I need someone. I've prayed for someone. Where is this someone?

"That when you feel the world is crashing all around your feet. Come running headlong into my arms, breathless. I'll never judge you. I can only love you"

^^I need to have a person to say that. I thought I found someone who had the potential to be something, someone to me but maybe not. Its too early to tell but I warned them about my wall. I explained how it is good for me to have it up right now because I still am recovering from a lot. They understood amazingly. Bummed but understanding. No one had made me feel understood like this since Cortney. They make me laugh. When I'm talking to them its about the only time you'll see my dimple come out. I want to talk to this person all the time because that is the only time I am actually happy. If you are reading this then I hope you know you are if not then I'll tell you. You are the thing makes my day better, you bring a smile to my face, you are my hero, you also may not be too bad at hurdles if you try it just this once. I'm ready to lower my wall. I'm ready to help you as much as I can. Just give me the word and I'm yours.

"Used and Abused-thats my line. Its the only way I get through these trying times"