I love Snow. I hate the cold and the wetness of it but I am in love with how it looks. As I was in the car today, going to IHOP, I looked out of window and saw the vast blanket of white snow. I had never really looked at snow before. Yes, its white and pretty and when we get a lot of it school gets cancelled but I had never actually looked at the snow. It is such a delicate thing. When surrounded by other snowflakes it keeps it's form, if it is alone or hits a surface hotter than it's own temperature it melts and just becomes a puddle of water. 

Why am I writing about the snow? I think that so many people in the world, including myself, are like the snowflakes-we are fine when surrounded by our family, friends, coworkers, strangers but when forced to be alone we collapse into a man-made nothingness; that is our routine in life. We go to work/school, run errands, come home and melt into our sorrows never letting anyone know something is going on. God never intended us to be live like that (Thanks Adam & Eve). He wanted to live together with him but even after Adam & Eve were kicked out of the garden they had each other. God didn't want them to live alone. We aren't meant to be alone. We are meant to find people around us to hold on to in the rough times and celebrate with in the good times. We are meant to have strong relationships which make us strong. We are meant to have broken relationships that make our other relationships stronger and let us value those relationships.

What if all you have are broken relationships? All strong relationships have become broken because of words spoken or actions taken, burning down bridges of communication. Where to now? If you want me to answer honestly? I have no idea. I myself am at that crosspoint-where hurt and venerability collide with having to start over and learning to trust yourself again. I find sometimes the hardest battle to fight is when you have to fight yourself. Coming out of a normal battle you'll have battles scars if you lose. When your having to fight yourself, scars are going to appear. Winning or Losing does not matter. 

I think broken times come to test our strength. I think they continue to test our endurance. If we can't continue to battle out for our own life why would anyone believe we would support them?

     I was on Facebook just like any other day. It was late at night and I had school then next day so my parents were pressuring me to get to bed. I got a text from Dorky Nerd-that was Cortney's nickname. I opened the text and started to read it. Within the first line I knew something was wrong & this wasn't going to be a regular text from her. It said that she has been trying to avoid telling me something all summer but she couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want to read this in front of my parents because they can tell when something is really wrong and I wanted to deal with this by myself.
     As I walked down the stairs to my room my headed started overflowing with questions. What does she need to say? Why did she wait till August to say it? Sitting down in my bed I am finally ready to read her text. In it she talks about how she loves me but that the distance between us was really hard. She said it wasn't fair to her because she needed someone who could be there for her and I couldn't because I was here in Virginia. It continued to say that we have had some great memories over these almost 15 years but that is what our friendship could only be now. She couldn't take the distance and she deserved something better. She had found a new friend, Katie, who was everything I was for her and more because she was there in Maryland.
      I was sitting on my bed, tears rolling my cheeks. I felt like she had come and ripped my heart out of my chest, took back every memory, then tried to piece it back together. I rolled up into a ball and cried and cried for hours. To this very day I still cry about it.
      This isn't a fight, its really over. I really did just lose my best friend, my sister and the only person I was ever able to trust 100%. Pain is still here and it will be here for awhile. Do I ever go through a day where I wish I could text her and act like nothing happened? Everyday. Everyday its gets a little easier but everyday I am haunted my the memories. Life will go on and I will learn to live with this. My heart will heal. 


I kinda went off on a random rant about my life and stuff, sorry :)