I've reread my posts and I write a lot of those are written in the motion of my feelings. I write what I feel and thats good at times and not so good at others. I just don't want to say or write something in the motion and then regret it. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I respect people who can do that but I can't. I am a very touchy, feely person so not having a connection like that will make me having a relationship hard.
I'm still going to save myself for marriage because that is what God wants me to do but also because I don't want to become another statistic but I need some physical connection. I want to hold hands and be able to kiss my boyfriend (whenever this mystery man shows up) and show that I truly have feelings for him. You can hold hands with anyone but a kiss means so much more. I want to be able to show that I'm not just messing around. I'm not going to kiss every guy I go out with or be a slut but for a special guy I would share something special.
I feel at peace now because I'm not having this internal conflict in wither or not to change my mind. I had felt like I had made a commitment but my heart wasn't in it. It was just words that should have been coming from someone else's mouth; someone who actually meant it. I meant that I wanted to stay pure and live a life that God would be proud of but I don't think that he would want me to feel trapped in my own choice.
God gave us free will and I'm very thankful for that. I had the freedom to say one thing but then change my mind after I thought about it. Only a few people knew and they are all very close friends to me and supported me. I will have to explain to them and try to be an example because you can say one thing and do another but if you don't owe up to it then your a hypocrite. I don't want to be a hypocrite because too many Christians are like that.
So, thats that and I'm sure I'll be posting again. :)
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