"We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change"

Somewhere, Someday. I keep saying that to myself but it doesn't seem to help anymore. There is only so long a person can live like that. I've hoped for a better tomorrow everyday of my life. It got me through the toughest times but isn't it supposed to actually come true at point? I can't, I won't live a life of waiting. I've waited enough to fill a lifetime. I've waited on boys to come around that never did. I've waited for pain to disappear that seemed to only grow stronger. I've waited on God to speak to me when he was silent. Waiting is an unless thing to me. I'm ready to be done waiting. I need good things to start happening now, not tomorrow or next week. I'm ready for the boy to come around and actually take action instead of leaving me out in the cold. I'm ready for pain to go away and for joy to be restored in my life. I'm ready for God to give me direction. I understand that life will always require a little bit of waiting. If I expected every single thing to happen at the moment I want it to then I should be in a padded room and put into a straight jacket because that will never happen. For once though, just once it would be nice to have something go the right way.

"I did all I could. I gave everything but you had to go your way and that road was not for me"

Cortney Alexandra Repp. My sister, best friend, bubble of joy, shoulder to cry on, my rock, she was the one person I could ever really trust. I would have trusted her with my life. I would have given my life for her in a second but in a second I felt like she had taken mine. Words had never been so hurtful. I had never felt so useless in my life. Here is one person that once loved me unconditionally and even she doesn't want me in her life anymore? What else could go wrong. Oh wait! She replaced me too. 15 years gone, buried under the memories and sorrows we endured. I will never be the same, never. I've needed someone like her in my life but no has been able to break down the wall of protection I've built. They have knocked and I've tried to let them in slowly but they would walk away the moment I started to trust them, leaving me hurt again. I need someone. I've prayed for someone. Where is this someone?

"That when you feel the world is crashing all around your feet. Come running headlong into my arms, breathless. I'll never judge you. I can only love you"

^^I need to have a person to say that. I thought I found someone who had the potential to be something, someone to me but maybe not. Its too early to tell but I warned them about my wall. I explained how it is good for me to have it up right now because I still am recovering from a lot. They understood amazingly. Bummed but understanding. No one had made me feel understood like this since Cortney. They make me laugh. When I'm talking to them its about the only time you'll see my dimple come out. I want to talk to this person all the time because that is the only time I am actually happy. If you are reading this then I hope you know you are if not then I'll tell you. You are the thing makes my day better, you bring a smile to my face, you are my hero, you also may not be too bad at hurdles if you try it just this once. I'm ready to lower my wall. I'm ready to help you as much as I can. Just give me the word and I'm yours.

"Used and Abused-thats my line. Its the only way I get through these trying times"

"Half of my heart has a grip of the situation..."

I'm kinda stuck. I can't live with half of my heart. Alexandria kind sucks and i want to move, I not allowed to but I REALLY want too. People around here have treated me like crap and I don't know whats true and whats not anymore. I know life happens and that this is apart of life but shouldn't I be able to change my life and not let this happen to me. I want to go so that they can't do aynthing anymore. If I leave and shut them then they lose the power they THINK they have over me. They are no more powerful than I am. I think I have actually have more power than them even if I am athe one being attacked. I know who I am. I know how I want people to treat me. I know what I want to do in my life. I'm not going to sit back and let this all happen. I will stop it. Other than my family and a few good friends then nothing is here for me. People here are so fake and have one face with you and another with someone else. They can seem like great, amazing people then be more screwed up than you could ever imagine. I may be decriving everyone else's life while I'm writing this but its not fair that we have to actually let people do this. Jack Black had it right when he said stick it to the man.
I think what what set this off is that I finally have hada chance to look back at 2009. To cut it short, 2009 sucked some major butt and I am ready for it to be over. I have lost so much and be knocked down so many times I'm surprised that I hav made it out as good as I have. I got some battle scars that are going to stay around to remind me of what I went through but hey. I'm still kinda alive.

"If you asked me if I loved him...I'd lie"

No one knows how much I wish this hadn't fallen apart. You aren't who I thought you were. My heart hates you but loves you at the same time. I love what you stand for. I love your smile. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you make me laugh. I love al of this but I don't know why you would do something this stupid. Its kinda sad when I can trust your friends that i hardly know better than you. Its not that I won't forgive you because I already have but I want to understand why you would make such idiotic choices. I don't see any reason we can't work this out but I need you to tell that this is in your past. If this is who YOU want to be then I can't hold you back but I won't watch you fall to pieces. You mean too much to be able to watch that.

"The more you dream the more I believe that nothing is ever out of reach"

I will make my dream true . End of story. I will be up on the stage, spotlight on me, singing out my little heart with guitar in hand, singing a song about you. I am pushing for this. If Alexandria has nothing for me than there must be something else out there for me to be working towards. Music makes me strong. I want to bring strength to others.

I am a Lion Chaser.

I will not be afraid.

I will not fight unnecessary battles.

I will pursue my lion no matter what.

I will not give up.

I will face my deepest fears.

I will trust you with my life.

I will not worry about the attack but the preparation.

I am a Lion Chaser.

I am yours.

I will sound like such a women right now but I've changed my mind. I'm not going to save my first kiss for my wedding day. I want to have that awkward 1st kiss when he walks me to the door. I want to go through the same high and low points everyone else does. I've spent my life trying to be different because if I was then I would be defined by that instead of who my family was.

I've reread my posts and I write a lot of those are written in the motion of my feelings. I write what I feel and thats good at times and not so good at others. I just don't want to say or write something in the motion and then regret it. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I respect people who can do that but I can't. I am a very touchy, feely person so not having a connection like that will make me having a relationship hard.

I'm still going to save myself for marriage because that is what God wants me to do but also because I don't want to become another statistic but I need some physical connection. I want to hold hands and be able to kiss my boyfriend (whenever this mystery man shows up) and show that I truly have feelings for him. You can hold hands with anyone but a kiss means so much more. I want to be able to show that I'm not just messing around. I'm not going to kiss every guy I go out with or be a slut but for a special guy I would share something special.

I feel at peace now because I'm not having this internal conflict in wither or not to change my mind. I had felt like I had made a commitment but my heart wasn't in it. It was just words that should have been coming from someone else's mouth; someone who actually meant it. I meant that I wanted to stay pure and live a life that God would be proud of but I don't think that he would want me to feel trapped in my own choice.

God gave us free will and I'm very thankful for that. I had the freedom to say one thing but then change my mind after I thought about it. Only a few people knew and they are all very close friends to me and supported me. I will have to explain to them and try to be an example because you can say one thing and do another but if you don't owe up to it then your a hypocrite. I don't want to be a hypocrite because too many Christians are like that.

So, thats that and I'm sure I'll be posting again. :)

Today I finished the series I have been re-reading; it was bittersweet. Even though I knew how their story was going to it was a joy and a new breath of life every time I turned the page to read more of their journey. The purity of the relationship and the patience that they had with each other amazes me still. I've wrote this before in an earlier blog but re-reading this at 14 years old has let me see the story and how God guided them through everything in a whole new way. I truly believe that God planted a seed the 1st time I read this series and now as I was going through it again he has watered it a little bit at every page turn. Now that I've finished the last book I didn't know what do to, I wanted to go get the next book and continue reading but there isn't another book. I feel like God walked me through this so that I could grow and learn more about myself and more about trusting in him, living for him, not being afraid to be a light. Now that Todd & Christy's story is over its time I write my own. I know that God was with them through their up & downs; he'll be right along my side too. I love God and will let him write my story till the very last is filled up with his plans for me, then its a totally different story that will have happy ending as long as I stay obedient. 

     I love you God & Promise all of me.

             Forever & Always,

                 Brooke Johnson

As school whines to an end there is a seed of summer that starts to bloom in every mind. Summer can mean lots of different things to you. More of free time, sleeping in, finding that summer fling, hanging with friends or like most students...no school. For me, its all of those, not really the fling but if it happened then I would be cool with it but I love summer because its the time God takes me, strips me down to my core, challenges me in my relationship with him and builds me up for the next year. I grow-up spiritually during summer. Summer is kinda like my spiritual birthday; no big parties just lots of small, intimate meetings. I have nothing to worry about but Him & I.
Lately, Life has been really easy going. I love it! Having new faith in God every time I wake-up to a new day is so refreshing. Everything is falling into place, I'm not doing anything! Every time I pray at night before I drift away into my dreams I try to express how I feel to God but I can't. That feeling reminded me of that song..oh what is it! Indescribable! It is truly an indrescribable feeling. So secure, so loving, so kind, so heavenly. I never want to lose anything that God has planned now or ever for me. If life is this good I can't wait for the rest of my life!
I know lots of people will come in and out of my life but I have to except that that's life. Yea, sure I'll be hurt, sure I'll cry but every time someone walks out someone else God has for me will walk in. I have a metaphor I like to use, My heart is a garden; it can grow sweet smelling roses and fruit or it can be died and a scary place. If I'm in control of the gate to my heart then I'll start letting the wrong people in and my garden will start to die. If I give the key to God though, he knows his plans for me, he knows what is best so my garden will be overflowing with sweet smelling roses and fruit that I can give away to my guests in my heart. I don't want to be a sour-puss so I've given that key to God. People have walked into my life already that I can see will be good for me. Wither its to teach me how to love or to teach me how to be humble they are there for a reason.
Everything has a season, just like it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1 "To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven." Summer is my season of growing; What is summer your season of?