T.C. Sen10rs <3

I will truly miss you all. Each and everyone of you mean the world to me and I have been so blessed to have you in my life.
   When I first met all of you I didn't think I would become such great friends with you as I am today.  I have been able to have speical memories with each and every one of you. You 3 are the ones I will miss the most because you have been so involved with my life.
      PAULA! I love love love you! i really don't know how I am going to be able to go to Onelife and not see your smiling face. Thank You. Thank You for being my big sister. Thank You for treating me like your equal and not some little underclassman. You have no clue how much you mean to me and how much i am going to miss you. You have been sich a great role model for me and even though you came to me with boy problems I still was able to learn from you and took everything you said to me to heart. Love you Paula-la-la-la-la!
     Lauren ;) You were the weird one. I serously thought that when I first saw you. Since then though I've gotten to know you and you have become my "dad" haha You were there for me when I couldn't stand being around girls because I was hurt. You helped me get my strength back on multiple occasions. Even when i was being overly dramatic you just stood there and listened and told me it would be ok. Thank You :)
    Kendra! Your smile has always brightened up my day. I could never be mad at you because you are such a great guy. You have a speical place in my heart because you are my protector. I don't even know if you remember but one nights when we were at the movies you saw some of your T.C. friends. You kinda closed the group off from me and you later told me that you didn't want me around those guys because you knew what kind of guys they were. That meant the world to me. The way you think of others without having to be told is a rare quality. Love You Keno :)


I've said this like 87345934685 times but I love you guys....even though you all have girls names ;) You better come visit too!!!!!

You won't even look at me. You can't look at me without showing the disgust on your face and it kills me. I didn't want this for us. I didn't want this period. I had this dream. You'd call it a silly dream but it what my heart was wanting to scream out at you these last couple years. What happened? Why do you hurt me like you do? The better question may be why I let you have this much control over me. I've been crying over you for days. This hurt me deeply. You have no clue that I heard what you said. But I did. I wish I hadn't but I did. I'm sorry that I ever even tried to make you like me. I've given up on believing other people when they say you "like" me. If you liked me you wouldn't do jerk things like this. I won't forget this. These tears  are the last ones I will cry over you. I'm sorry but I don't want a boy. I want a man. I man wouldn't play these games. So grow-up and get over yourself and then call me if you aren't too afraid....I still think you may be though.

So, I started a new "public" blog on tumblr just so I've been kinda ignoring you. Sorry :( I just needed a distraction for people. This blog has gotten me in enough trouble but anyway. Life isn't giving me a break (as normal.) I'm still having to fight to get through the day but its getting a bit better. Still feeling like an adult stuck in a 15 year old's body. Theres not a 'but' for that. Thats just how my life has been. I was turned into a mini-adult at the age of 12. Oh well, I'm not going to wallow in my past because guess what?!?!? ITS OVER! You can't dwell in the past, even if it seemed like it ruined your whole life you can't. If you live based on your past, your past will control your destiny. You already think it ruined your life but why should you actually let it?


In Government today we had a very random debate about Gay Marriage. Of course, people raised their hands immediately saying that they support it as if it made them look like a better person? People just kept agreeing with each other, saying "they agreed" but you could tell half of them just wanted to say something and didn't really care. One guy said he disagreed because he was homophobic. I respected him for saying that in front of a class who pretty much all agreed with it. I didn't even have the chance to raise my hand and help him out by saying I disagreed also before the class started attacking him with questions. 
Dear Class, there are ways to get your point across without sounding rude & aggressive. If you have a point you want to prove, go for it but please don't try not to attack the poor guy. Also, my teacher said that she supported Gay marriage. <--that made me feel really uncomfortable. I wanted to raise my hand and say that I didn't support it but having the person that was leading my class up against me worried me. I knew I could hold my own in an argument but with being emotionally unstable in that environment and her being my teacher there was a large risk I would do something and get myself in trouble. She made the the who admitted to being homophobic stay after class to talk to him. I'm pretty sure she was talking to him about this topic but she isn't allowed to do that. She isn't allowed to try and per-sway to share her beliefs. To sum it all up-government was interesting today.


Life is never done surprising you or throwing a curve ball at ya so all you can do it practice your batting and get ready to run.

"Being fearless isn’t being 100% unafraid, its being terrified but you jump anyway"

I want to be "fearless" sometimes but I'm always scared that I can't live up to the name of being "fearless."  Fearless to me meant not being afraid, being 100% sure that you wouldn't fail. This quote screwed my mind up. I now see that I don't have to be 100% sure of anything to take a chance. Actually, I have never been 100% sure of anything except that my name is Brooke Avery Elizabeth Johnson and that I was born on October 2nd, 1994 at 6:29pm. Today, February 12, 2010 at 4:30pm I will declare myself fearless. I won't hold back. This is my motto and the way I will live me life :)

This blog, once again, got me in trouble. Great. I don't understand how writing out my feeling could be such a bad thing. I was harsh-I'll admit that. The world is a harsh place to live though. Not everyone is going to give you milk and cookies because they love you. Trust me. It will never be like that. 


I AM very sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings with my last post. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. I didn't think anyone actually read this. Apparently, I was wrong. Those feelings were written in the moment when I wasn't thinking about anyone other than myself.  


I hope you two are very happy together and that this relationship is a healthy, prosperous relationship. I won't interfere or interject my opinion any longer. I have to be honest and admit you compliment each other very well. I see stuff on my new feed pop up and its makes me want to throw up; you're too cute. :)


I want to put this all behind us and move on. I will still see both of you in school and at sports and I don't want it to be awkward or for you to think I hate you because I don't. 


Please don't hate me,
Brooke Johnson

Hero,
I don't know what to do. This changes everything between me and you. A heads up would have been nice. I mean sure, I should have seen it coming. All the wall posts and how you were flirting back and forth but that doesn't mean I wanted to see that. To be honest, I didn't. I don't even want to see it now. This hurts me. I feel like an idiot and I'm sure I'll like an even bigger one when my mother brings this up. I feel like bursting into tears. I know I shouldn't feel this way because I had no reason to but I think I just don't want to lose you. I know what happens in this situation. We are great friends, you get a girlfriend, end of friendship. This has happened before and I don't want to have to go through those feelings again. I ended hurt, lost and confused. I didn't want this to happen. I liked how we could be open with each other. No strings attached just conversation. I saw the look in your eye. She made the game harder to play. I made it too easy. I lost.
You lost too. She has backstabbed and cheated like no other. I was really hoping you would have seen that but I guess you didn't. She takes nice boys and screws with their heads. I don't want that happening to you. I care about you too much to watch that happen. You are an intelligent, charismatic young man...what are you doing? You have made some stupid choices but this is by far the stupidest. I hope you enjoy this while it lasts because I doubt it will last for long.
When you get over this phase come and talk to me but I don't want her in my life. I hope we can still be friends but just know I won't take any bull from her.

Love,
Damsel

I love Snow. I hate the cold and the wetness of it but I am in love with how it looks. As I was in the car today, going to IHOP, I looked out of window and saw the vast blanket of white snow. I had never really looked at snow before. Yes, its white and pretty and when we get a lot of it school gets cancelled but I had never actually looked at the snow. It is such a delicate thing. When surrounded by other snowflakes it keeps it's form, if it is alone or hits a surface hotter than it's own temperature it melts and just becomes a puddle of water. 

Why am I writing about the snow? I think that so many people in the world, including myself, are like the snowflakes-we are fine when surrounded by our family, friends, coworkers, strangers but when forced to be alone we collapse into a man-made nothingness; that is our routine in life. We go to work/school, run errands, come home and melt into our sorrows never letting anyone know something is going on. God never intended us to be live like that (Thanks Adam & Eve). He wanted to live together with him but even after Adam & Eve were kicked out of the garden they had each other. God didn't want them to live alone. We aren't meant to be alone. We are meant to find people around us to hold on to in the rough times and celebrate with in the good times. We are meant to have strong relationships which make us strong. We are meant to have broken relationships that make our other relationships stronger and let us value those relationships.

What if all you have are broken relationships? All strong relationships have become broken because of words spoken or actions taken, burning down bridges of communication. Where to now? If you want me to answer honestly? I have no idea. I myself am at that crosspoint-where hurt and venerability collide with having to start over and learning to trust yourself again. I find sometimes the hardest battle to fight is when you have to fight yourself. Coming out of a normal battle you'll have battles scars if you lose. When your having to fight yourself, scars are going to appear. Winning or Losing does not matter. 

I think broken times come to test our strength. I think they continue to test our endurance. If we can't continue to battle out for our own life why would anyone believe we would support them?

     I was on Facebook just like any other day. It was late at night and I had school then next day so my parents were pressuring me to get to bed. I got a text from Dorky Nerd-that was Cortney's nickname. I opened the text and started to read it. Within the first line I knew something was wrong & this wasn't going to be a regular text from her. It said that she has been trying to avoid telling me something all summer but she couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want to read this in front of my parents because they can tell when something is really wrong and I wanted to deal with this by myself.
     As I walked down the stairs to my room my headed started overflowing with questions. What does she need to say? Why did she wait till August to say it? Sitting down in my bed I am finally ready to read her text. In it she talks about how she loves me but that the distance between us was really hard. She said it wasn't fair to her because she needed someone who could be there for her and I couldn't because I was here in Virginia. It continued to say that we have had some great memories over these almost 15 years but that is what our friendship could only be now. She couldn't take the distance and she deserved something better. She had found a new friend, Katie, who was everything I was for her and more because she was there in Maryland.
      I was sitting on my bed, tears rolling my cheeks. I felt like she had come and ripped my heart out of my chest, took back every memory, then tried to piece it back together. I rolled up into a ball and cried and cried for hours. To this very day I still cry about it.
      This isn't a fight, its really over. I really did just lose my best friend, my sister and the only person I was ever able to trust 100%. Pain is still here and it will be here for awhile. Do I ever go through a day where I wish I could text her and act like nothing happened? Everyday. Everyday its gets a little easier but everyday I am haunted my the memories. Life will go on and I will learn to live with this. My heart will heal. 


I kinda went off on a random rant about my life and stuff, sorry :)